What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
