Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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