Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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