I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
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Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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