I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
