I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
