You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
