I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
