Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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