Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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