My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
