it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
