Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
