What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
