at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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