Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
