Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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