i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
