Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
