just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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