I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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