The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
