did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
