He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
