Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
