2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to calm my uterus...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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