Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
