Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
