I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
