The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
