Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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