shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
