I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
