I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
