Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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