he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
