Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
