I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This is my gift to your gina
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
