Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
