Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
