How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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