Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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