WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
