Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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