my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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