I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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