I can text with my tongue
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
