Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
