R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
