So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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