If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
