Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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