i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
is it fun? or sober?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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