either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
