Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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