Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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