i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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