my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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